so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
