Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
