I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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