what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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