I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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