Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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