So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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