If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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