do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
