You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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