He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
