Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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