i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
