Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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