Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
