Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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