I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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