I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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