So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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