I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
