i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
