made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
