The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
