he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
