you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
