dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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