just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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