you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
