FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We need to get me chipped asap
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
