everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
