am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
