I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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