Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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