in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize