i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
