I am spending my child support on dildos
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
