I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
