I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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