The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
being pregnant is like rehab
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
