Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
