Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
