the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
