At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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