She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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