My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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