I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
