i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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