Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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