when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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