why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
