I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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