Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
