i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
