I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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