it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
